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Thursday, 20 December 2018

Life with Lee.: The broken woman, the protected and the victim... ...

Life with Lee.: The broken woman, the protected and the victim... ...: My earliest memories of my mum involved alcohol, she loved a drink and it was part of our daily lives growing up. We would find bottl...

The broken woman, the protected and the victim... my story;

My earliest memories of my mum involved alcohol, she loved a drink and it was part of our daily lives growing up.

We would find bottles of vodka all over the house, hidden in the strangest places. 

My mum was a very happy drunk and I must admit that we did have some great times, but sadly the bad times out numbered the good.

My mum would drink to escape the demons from her past, which would then result in self  harm and attempted suicides. One day she would be on top of the world and the next she would be at rock bottom, and myself and sister would be there right beside her.

Do you think that life was supposed to be this way for my sister and I because my mum had gone through such a bad upbringing ?.
 
Christmas was always the worst for me as I knew exactly how it would turn out. We would be woken bright and early Christmas morning, music playing on the radio and food cooking in the oven. 
After dinner when the drinking got going the whole mood would change. Me and mum would end up fighting and screaming at each other, telling each other how much we hated one another and that Christmas was ruined bla bla bla.
This was the same routine every year.

It breaks my heart when I think back to how broken she was as a woman and mother.

Myself and my younger sister were used to the drinking and fighting that happened in our house as it was the norm for us. If my mum was fighting her boyfriend or neighbor she would be fighting me.
Numerous times mum would come home battered and bruised because one of her piss head friends would bash her up in a drunken state.


You would think that growing up in the environment that we had, the last thing we would do is turn to drink and drugs.

Well thankfully my sister grew into a beautiful young lady, staying well away from alcohol and those kind of people and circles. I can actually say that I've never seen her in a pub. 
Now happily married with a beautiful daughter of her own and a newly started family business, she is the complete opposite of me.

I tried my hardest to look out for my sister growing up, I was the one that had to protect her.
Once my mum and sisters dad... (also an alcoholic) had a fight and he tried to pull my sister away from my mum which resulted in my sister having a broken leg.

We spent nearly a year in hospital, my sisters legs strapped up... she was only 1 years old at the time. Mum had told the social services that I had dropped her and we would go over and over the same story for months.

I also remember my mum arguing with my sisters dad and she picked up the old house phone... big dialled one and smashed it in his face breaking his nose and a few teeth.

I however walked a different path... or maybe I was lead down that path.

I remember once when we had a load of people over the flat, music on and every one having a good old time getting drunk. Well my uncle thought it would be good to keep given me cups of  "Special Brew" that extra strong beer the old piss heads would drink on the street corners.
I was horrendously sick and they all still thought it was funny, laughing at me … an 8 year old child drunk as a skunk.

At the age of thirteen myself and small group of friends would regularly get adults to buy us litre bottles of cider and we would sit in the park or local common and get absolutely wasted, paralytic drunk. 
I have been brought home on more than two occasions by adults that had found me out cold on the floor. . . DRUNK.

I started drinking heavily once I left the Army and this affected every aspect of my life, I ended up in prison three times, lost friends and started using cocaine.  I hurt every one close to me, I had hit rock bottom, I would drink to run away from myself.

I had turned in to my mum!!.



As I have told you in my previous posts, my mental health plummeted and I started self harming, tried to kill myself on three occasions. I was in a very dark place, I had started hating myself and couldn't stand the life I was living . 

My mum spent 8 years on dialysis and passed away at the age of 57... I am still here fighting the demons she left for me!.

My sister in a way was lucky that she had me to protect her, I had nobody to protect me!!.

I sit here and wonder if I had had an older sibling to watch over me and protect me, would I have turned out this way?.

I believe that I am this way because of  "learnt behaviour ", I am a product of the environment I grew up in.

Friday, 7 December 2018

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Sunday, 2 December 2018

Life with Lee.: How my break down affected her and still does. ...

Life with Lee.: How my break down affected her and still does. ...: Have you ever questioned yourself when you’re watching someone you love so much suffer and there isn’t a damn thing you can do to “fix t...

How my break down affected her and still does. ( Written by Katie )


Have you ever questioned yourself when you’re watching someone you love so much suffer and there isn’t a damn thing you can do to “fix them?”.


Let me tell you I’ve gone through so many emotions so many doubts wondering why I couldn’t be that person to lee... only to realise that no matter who you are or what relationship you have to that person you can’t “fix them”.  I had to learn a whole new way of living our lives, a new way of thinking for us both daily what would affect him what could push him over the edge of despair into that dark place he goes to?. I still have so many questions because I’m still learning, and I feel I’m always going to be. 


Mental health effects the whole family not just one person it’s frustrating its unpredictable and its heart breaking to witness. I met lee in 2016 and he was in a great place he was running his own business had a great social life and knew what he wanted from life and was heading that way to get it all, he was such a free spirit we would go to box hill late at night and just enjoy that moment together he always made me laugh his sense of humour is one of a kind!  bit of advice though never take the happy times for granted !! we even found out we was expecting our first baby together and I’ve never seen someone so happy to tell the world he was going to be a daddy, I felt proud and he did too. We even gave our baby a name hoping for our little girl “molly” as we both have boys already from previous relationship, we just felt this would complete what we both already had. But unfortunately this changed overnight I miscarried our baby and everything changed, lee became withdrawn and hid away in our room I thought this was just his way of dealing with losing the baby but things weren’t getting better he started going out and not coming home for days sometimes weeks I knew where he was he was in some pub drinking with what made him feel better for that day and the next and the next this became a pattern but I never once considered giving up on him as this is what he expected from me. I knew what lee had gone through as a child from the beginning, so I knew there was underlying issues there, but it never prepared me for what was to come!!

I received a call from him one day and he sounded like he just gave up he told me he was in Springfield hospital after cutting himself and as you do you panic you cry you worry and you get there as soon as you physically can... on the way there I kept thinking oh its just a few cuts and he is still alive that counted for something right?.  When I arrived, I just wanted to firstly throttle him for not talking to me (like its that easy!!) and secondly, I wanted to just cuddle him and make this pain I could see in him disappear he went from being a strong funny outgoing man to a scared fragile little boy. I’ll never forget the damage he done to his poor body “just a few cuts” there wasn’t a place on his body that wasn’t cut he really meant business and he really wanted to die.. he was discharged the next day but only because I told doctors he would be watched by myself and kept safe and this is exactly what I intended to do. 

Things were different now lee didn’t want to laugh he didn’t want to be stupid!

He wouldn’t even come out of the room if my family came to visit and they understood but knowing I was out there laughing whilst he was locked in his own hell just didn’t feel right but there was nothing I could do I had to let this naturally play out and not force him as I was too scared he would hurt himself again, I hid everything sharp I felt like I was over bearing for him most of the time but I just wanted him to be ok and safe. All this was new to me I had nobody telling me if I was right or wrong, I was learning as I went along. If lee did have to go out without me this feeling of dread hit me like a ton of bricks, I would try make excuses why I needed to go with him or why I needed him home that same day, I just always got scared of the same thing happening again and I couldn’t bare him going through that alone. Lees behaviour became unpredictable he would snap and say things that made my jaw hit the floor. He really was a changed man!!.

Eventually we both relocated away from London to south wales to try and make life less stressful and more enjoyable for him and us as a family, but I was a fool thinking this would “fix him” we have lived here 7 months now and he has self-harmed at least 5 times maybe more I’ve lost count. He has tried to drown himself in the sea so intoxicated that he doesn’t even realise what he has done until I’ve told him the next day, I’ve woke up during the night with music playing and just knew something wasn’t right and every time he would be standing there just cutting his body as if he was cutting paper! No emotion just stone cold look in his eyes that he really doesn’t care about him anymore he just needs to not feel this way, I take whatever it is from him and clean him up every time  and just keep quiet there isn’t a thing you can say in that moment to make that person feel ok or make it better for them, this is him this is how he copes as much as it breaks my heart when I look at him in this mess there isn’t a damn thing I can do but just remind him I’m not going anywhere. Lee will often not answer his phone, and this sends me over the edge he just clocks off from life altogether! I will always worry something is wrong if he doesn’t pick up is phone if he isn’t where he is meant to be. He is a prisoner in his mind and home he won’t leave the house for weeks on end literally only that occasional day where I can persuade him to and I try everyday believe me but I wont force him as it sends him the opposite way into how he is feeling he becomes frustrated and upset.  He hasn’t self-harmed since august and this is amazing for him, I’m so proud of him although I’m not stupid enough to know this isn’t the end of his story.

Good news we are pregnant, and I’ve made It to 17 weeks safely and this has gave lee a reason to want change to not feel the way he does anymore and to be the best dad I know he can be and will be. We all love you dearly xx.

Monday, 19 November 2018

The pain of losing my mum.


My mum... our fallen angel.




It's been nine years today and the pain is as fresh today as it was when I got the phone call to say that I needed to head to the hospital as mum was in a critical condition.

This was routine for us as she was in bad health, having had two heart attacks and attending hospital every two days for dialysis. My mum had renal failure due to the fact that she was an alcoholic for so many years and her kidneys just didn't want to play the game anymore.

I wasn't too worried to be honest because I had spoken to mum earlier that day as I did every day, she loved to have a moan!!!.

My son wanted to come and see his nan as they were really close, they would spend most weekends together.
We jumped into the car and headed straight for the hospital.

When we got to the dialysis ward I told the first nurse I met that I was here to see my mum or            " Mamma Sue" as they called her on the ward.

" Down the end with the curtains closed " I was told.

We walked down to the bed where mum was, pulled the curtain back and " BANG " my mum was laying on the bed dead. She still had the tubes in her mouth where they had tried to revive her.

The initial shock was incredible, I couldn't actually take in what I was seeing. I felt like I have been booted in the stomach and winded, I couldn't breath. I had spoken to my mum only a few hours before.

The heart breaking part is that my 12 year old son was standing beside me. I tried to grab my boy but he ran out of  the ward. Seeing that little boy crying his eyes out thumping the wall was soul destroying.

If I could take anything back it would be that moment he walked in to see his nan laying dead.

That should never have happened, there is no excuse for that what so ever.

I had called a few family members to let them know that mum had passed away, then I headed back in and gave my a kiss goodbye. It wasn't until I was leaving the ward that a doctor approached me and tried to call me into a room to give me the sad news..

I swear I wanted to fucking rip his head off!!

How on earth can they allow me to walk into the ward with my child and leave me to find my mum dead... how is that allowed.

Thinking about it now I still get so angry, it just shouldn't of happened that way... nothing prepared me for that.

As I have told you before, myself and mum had a very rocky relationship growing up. We had gone through so much due to her mental health and the addiction but the last few years when she was ill we had kind of fixed our relationship.

As annoying as mum could be with the constant phone calls and the moaning, I would give anything to have one more call from her.
She would call me and ask me to come for coffee (every day) and I'd tell her I was working or doing something, then I would get " But I got you cream cakes " lol. Mum defo knew my weak spot.

I miss her so much!!!.

I learnt that life is too short, we need to make the most of what and who we have in our lives.

Thursday, 15 November 2018

" Under construction, working on myself ".

I must admit it, I am a broken man. Over the years I have struggled with my mental health and life in general.

I thought I actually might of had a chance at life when I joined the Army at 16 yrs of age. Getting away from the madness of my early years with my mum and the hell we went through . . . No chance!!

All I ever wanted was to be a Soldier, I joined the Infantry and passed my training first time. It was the proudest day of my life!!.

After  a short spell in Germany with my battalion we flew out to Bosnia, that was an experience to say the least but the Operational Tour went surprisingly quick and I was home on leave before I knew it.

This is where things went wrong.

I got in to a fight with a civvi and was arrested and charged. To cut a long story short I was flying from Germany to London to attend court. I was given a custodial sentence and discharged from the Army.

I was devastated and things only got worse from there. Mentally I was all over the place, constantly out drinking and taking coke with the lads, fighting every other night. I had no control... I was reckless to say the least.
This only lead to a few more prison sentences, I couldn't see a way out of this cycle. I was told that if I didn't get my self sorted I'd end up dead or in side for a very long time.

I had two beautiful little boys at home and I should of been there for them more. . . I was just a lost soul on a vicious cycle of self destruction.

No body wanted to help me when I was in the probation service either, I asked on numerous occasions for " anger management " but was dismissed. I think they see me as just another re-offender.

It breaks my heart looking back at the young man I was, disciplined and well trained. I had this hunger in me to prove to everybody and myself that I was destined to be more than the local piss heads son.



My mental health plummeted and I tried to take my own life, as a result I spent four months in the local mental health hospital. I've been back a few times over the last ten years.

I get to a point where all is good then I crash, try to take my own life or self harm and I'm tired now, this has to stop.

I know this will always be hiding in the background and I will go through it again, I will learn to deal with it in a different way now because I know my life is worth so much more.

My family and friends don't deserve to go through this with me but I know they love me and my madness and will always be there for me.

" Thank you, I love ya all to the moon and back".

Now I am studying and have started to train the gym again, as they say " healthy body, healthy mind".

The Soldier in me still fights on and this will be no easy fight but I will get there!!.

I want to share my story and trust me I have only just scratched the surface!!!. 



Life with Lee.: The broken woman, the protected and the victim... ...

Life with Lee.: The broken woman, the protected and the victim... ... : My earliest memories of my mum involved alcohol, she loved a drink a...