Wednesday, 31 October 2018

Me on a daily basis.

I did this on my local beach to show how my mood is on a daily basis, one minute all over the place and then perfectly balanced.
This is how my personality disorder affects me!!.

Living with a personality disorder.

It's taken me a long time to open up and talk about my feelings, being able to write my blog has now given me the opportunity to open up without having to do it in some group session or in a stuffy old therapy room.
For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to show anyone any real affection and deep down all I have ever really wanted is to be loved and accepted for who I am.

Growing up and going through such a bad time both physically and mentally with my mum and the experience I had with the Army in Bosnia the doctors finally diagnosed me with Bipolar / Emotional state personality disorder. Being diagnosed made me feel better for a brief moment because I had always just thought I was a little s*^* and so did my friends and family.

I feel like I was constantly angry and aggressive or really sad and low all the time and this came from not feeling like I was able to get or show any real affection from my mum. We all need that little bit of love in our lives. If I felt sad or low the only way I could deal with things was to go out and physically hurt people, this would lead to a few spells in prison.
I have always hated the fact that I have hurt people but I never knew how to deal with my temper and emotions. I do have a massive heart and constantly try to fix everyone else which then causes me to crash and have a melt down.

It's a constant struggle fighting the anxiety  and extreme mood swings, most days I cannot leave my home... hiding away. I want to reach out to family and friends but find it so bloody hard at times.

I hate the fact that when I get angry over something how ever trivial it may be I just can't seem to let it go, it just eats away at me.

I am now hoping that I will be able to get on with life as best I can, eventually coming off the meds and keeping fit and learning to eat properly, this is a journey I would like to share with you all.

Sunday, 28 October 2018

Can we forgive and forget?.

This is a question I have battled with for many years, my mum had a terrible start to life after losing her mum at the age of just thirteen. My mum was then sexually abused by two of her uncles which led her to a life of alcohol and drug abuse and many unstable relationships with men.
After a short marriage to a sailor my eldest sister was born and sadly only two years later she was taken in to care after my mum tried to overdose her on prescription drugs. I believe my mum did this because she couldn't cope and in a weird way thought she was doing the right thing.
Years later my mum had me and then my youngest sister, nothing changed with regards to my mum and her addictions in fact it only got worse.
At the age of  seven I came home to my mum sitting in a pool of blood and broken glass, she had started self harming. This was the first of many times we would have to deal with her self harming.

I could never understand how somebody could cut their body up like that. . . until I also started "cutting" a few years ago.

Mum would be in and out of the local mental health hospital over the years and we would always have social workers in our lives, this would also involve us staying with foster families and family units whilst she had treatment.
Over the years we would go through hell with the violence both from my mum and so-called men in her life. I would have to defend my mum many times and this would lead to me being beaten up by grown men as well.

Our lives revolved around alcohol, drunks and violence!!!.

I know deep down my mum tried her best for us but that life was all she knew, I could always see the sadness in her eyes.
My mum got really ill and was diagnosed with kidney failure and spent the next eight years on dialysis... five hours every two days. It was heart breaking watching her fade away over the years, she would always tell me she was going to die.
My mum finally passed in 2009 after her third heart attack at the age of 57. I know she was ready to go because she was so fed up with life as it was, she would often say " I'd die for a drink " after being clean for so many years.
You would think that living the childhood I did that I would be so against alcohol but that's not the case I followed my mums foot steps and had a drink problem and also started self harming.

I have only shared a little bit with you guys and some of the things I could tell you couldn't be made up. This affected me so much so that After leaving the Army I was unable to show my emotions or feelings I became very violent and out of control.
I eventually attempted to kill myself three times and to this day still self harm.

As much as I loved my mum I also hated her because I think that life could have been so much  better for us.

As much as I try I just cannot FORGIVE and Ill never be able to FORGET.

If you have any question then please hit comment box and I will get back to you.