Wednesday, 31 October 2018
Living with a personality disorder.
It's taken me a long time to open up and talk about my feelings, being able to write my blog has now given me the opportunity to open up without having to do it in some group session or in a stuffy old therapy room.
For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to show anyone any real affection and deep down all I have ever really wanted is to be loved and accepted for who I am.
Growing up and going through such a bad time both physically and mentally with my mum and the experience I had with the Army in Bosnia the doctors finally diagnosed me with Bipolar / Emotional state personality disorder. Being diagnosed made me feel better for a brief moment because I had always just thought I was a little s*^* and so did my friends and family.
I feel like I was constantly angry and aggressive or really sad and low all the time and this came from not feeling like I was able to get or show any real affection from my mum. We all need that little bit of love in our lives. If I felt sad or low the only way I could deal with things was to go out and physically hurt people, this would lead to a few spells in prison.
I have always hated the fact that I have hurt people but I never knew how to deal with my temper and emotions. I do have a massive heart and constantly try to fix everyone else which then causes me to crash and have a melt down.
It's a constant struggle fighting the anxiety and extreme mood swings, most days I cannot leave my home... hiding away. I want to reach out to family and friends but find it so bloody hard at times.
I hate the fact that when I get angry over something how ever trivial it may be I just can't seem to let it go, it just eats away at me.
I am now hoping that I will be able to get on with life as best I can, eventually coming off the meds and keeping fit and learning to eat properly, this is a journey I would like to share with you all.
I'm 39yrs of age and have recently relocated to South Wales for a fresh start. I have two grown sons and expecting a new baby in the new year. I come from a very tough up bringing, absent drunk and violent dad and a mum that had some very serious issues with her own mental health. I will go into my past in detail later, it is very hard for me talk about. After leaving the Army and as a result of my upbringing I struggled with my mental health and as a result I tried to take my own life on three occasions, I still self harm to this day. I was diagnosed with bipolar and a personality disorder at the end of last year which kind of explains why I have done and acted in some very mad ways.