Monday, 19 November 2018

The pain of losing my mum.

My mum... our fallen angel.

It's been nine years today and the pain is as fresh today as it was when I got the phone call to say that I needed to head to the hospital as mum was in a critical condition.

This was routine for us as she was in bad health, having had two heart attacks and attending hospital every two days for dialysis. My mum had renal failure due to the fact that she was an alcoholic for so many years and her kidneys just didn't want to play the game anymore.

I wasn't too worried to be honest because I had spoken to mum earlier that day as I did every day, she loved to have a moan!!!.

My son wanted to come and see his nan as they were really close, they would spend most weekends together.
We jumped into the car and headed straight for the hospital.

When we got to the dialysis ward I told the first nurse I met that I was here to see my mum or            " Mamma Sue" as they called her on the ward.

" Down the end with the curtains closed " I was told.

We walked down to the bed where mum was, pulled the curtain back and " BANG " my mum was laying on the bed dead. She still had the tubes in her mouth where they had tried to revive her.

The initial shock was incredible, I couldn't actually take in what I was seeing. I felt like I have been booted in the stomach and winded, I couldn't breath. I had spoken to my mum only a few hours before.

The heart breaking part is that my 12 year old son was standing beside me. I tried to grab my boy but he ran out of  the ward. Seeing that little boy crying his eyes out thumping the wall was soul destroying.

If I could take anything back it would be that moment he walked in to see his nan laying dead.

That should never have happened, there is no excuse for that what so ever.

I had called a few family members to let them know that mum had passed away, then I headed back in and gave my a kiss goodbye. It wasn't until I was leaving the ward that a doctor approached me and tried to call me into a room to give me the sad news..

I swear I wanted to fucking rip his head off!!

How on earth can they allow me to walk into the ward with my child and leave me to find my mum dead... how is that allowed.

Thinking about it now I still get so angry, it just shouldn't of happened that way... nothing prepared me for that.

As I have told you before, myself and mum had a very rocky relationship growing up. We had gone through so much due to her mental health and the addiction but the last few years when she was ill we had kind of fixed our relationship.

As annoying as mum could be with the constant phone calls and the moaning, I would give anything to have one more call from her.
She would call me and ask me to come for coffee (every day) and I'd tell her I was working or doing something, then I would get " But I got you cream cakes " lol. Mum defo knew my weak spot.

I miss her so much!!!.

I learnt that life is too short, we need to make the most of what and who we have in our lives.

Thursday, 15 November 2018

" Under construction, working on myself ".

I must admit it, I am a broken man. Over the years I have struggled with my mental health and life in general.

I thought I actually might of had a chance at life when I joined the Army at 16 yrs of age. Getting away from the madness of my early years with my mum and the hell we went through . . . No chance!!

All I ever wanted was to be a Soldier, I joined the Infantry and passed my training first time. It was the proudest day of my life!!.

After  a short spell in Germany with my battalion we flew out to Bosnia, that was an experience to say the least but the Operational Tour went surprisingly quick and I was home on leave before I knew it.

This is where things went wrong.

I got in to a fight with a civvi and was arrested and charged. To cut a long story short I was flying from Germany to London to attend court. I was given a custodial sentence and discharged from the Army.

I was devastated and things only got worse from there. Mentally I was all over the place, constantly out drinking and taking coke with the lads, fighting every other night. I had no control... I was reckless to say the least.
This only lead to a few more prison sentences, I couldn't see a way out of this cycle. I was told that if I didn't get my self sorted I'd end up dead or in side for a very long time.

I had two beautiful little boys at home and I should of been there for them more. . . I was just a lost soul on a vicious cycle of self destruction.

No body wanted to help me when I was in the probation service either, I asked on numerous occasions for " anger management " but was dismissed. I think they see me as just another re-offender.

It breaks my heart looking back at the young man I was, disciplined and well trained. I had this hunger in me to prove to everybody and myself that I was destined to be more than the local piss heads son.

My mental health plummeted and I tried to take my own life, as a result I spent four months in the local mental health hospital. I've been back a few times over the last ten years.

I get to a point where all is good then I crash, try to take my own life or self harm and I'm tired now, this has to stop.

I know this will always be hiding in the background and I will go through it again, I will learn to deal with it in a different way now because I know my life is worth so much more.

My family and friends don't deserve to go through this with me but I know they love me and my madness and will always be there for me.

" Thank you, I love ya all to the moon and back".

Now I am studying and have started to train the gym again, as they say " healthy body, healthy mind".

The Soldier in me still fights on and this will be no easy fight but I will get there!!.

I want to share my story and trust me I have only just scratched the surface!!!. 

Sunday, 11 November 2018

Can a lack of affection as a child effect your relationships as an adult?.

This is a question I've asked myself many times over the years. I never really got any affection as a child as my old mum was an alcoholic, in fact we argued more than anything.

I know my mum struggled with this because she was sexually abused by two of her uncles as a young lady. Mum went through her life skipping from one relationship to another, any time she got close to a man she would chuck up the barrier and push them away.

I remember all the fights, moving around from place to place and the fact that she was always sad.

My mum lost her mum when she was only 13 yrs of age and that alone must of destroyed her, then to go on and be abused both sexually and mentally. . . it leaves me speechless!!!.

Socially mum was great fun and  very popular, even more so when she was drunk.
Behind closed doors and sober we got to see the real woman, sad and very lonely. You could see the pain and heartbreak in her face.
I know the old saying " the answer isn't at the bottom of the bottle" but for my mum it was, it was an escape from her memories and the pain.

In my mums case I think the loss of her mum and sheer lack of love and affection from other members of her family really did affect her relationships both romantically and socially.

Sadly I grew up and wanted that affection but couldn't get it... I used to flutter from one girlfriend to another always thinking I needed more. I was living the same cycle as my mum did and didn't even know it at the time.

If and when I did get shown a little love it would throw me, I didn't know what to do with it,

I am settled down now and have my own family.

As an adult I still struggle letting people in and am also very quick put my guard up, it can be a nightmare at times because I want to socialise and go out more in groups but I just cant!.

How my weight is affecting my breathing.

Lately I have been really struggling with my breathing, walking up stairs is the worst for me at the moment. It's got to the point where I'm breaking out in sweats and need to sit down for a rest once I'm in doors.
It's the horrible tight feeling in the chest that scares me, I don't have Asthma but this is what I image it would be like.

I started noticing this just under a year ago when I moved to Wales, that and the new medication I had started (I was told that the meds might affect my weight). I guess it is my own fault for not being as active as I was before the move. I had my own property maintenance business and was always out and about on the tools doing a job or pricing a potential job up.

This I know is just being over weight and generally less active, but that's not where it ends for me.

My partner mentioned that I was holding my breath in my sleep which was worrying her, this was apparently happening on a regular basis. 
Once in a while I would startle myself and wake up wondering what was going on, it's almost like an oversized angry snore that I would hear.

I actually started to get annoyed with my partner because she would shout at me numerous times during the night." lee stop laying on ya back" she would say. I almost feel sorry for her when I think about it because it's her that's losing out on the sleep. . . I won't tell her that though lol.

This would explain why I am always so tired and moody after a night of suffocating and the misses moaning at me lol.

I didn't and still don't want to admit that it's down to my weight alone. . . sleeping on my back combined with being  slightly chubby is the main cause.

I had never even heard of  "sleep apnoea " before and actually find the whole thing is quiet scary. 

If any of you guys out there are going through this please seek advice as this can be life threatening.


Friday, 9 November 2018

" Us men get body conscious as well ".

Yes I actually felt horrible at the gym tonight!!.

It took so much will power to get out and head to the gym tonight, fighting my anxiety the whole way there.

No matter how hard it is I will finish this challenge and I know deep down it will get easier with time.

The thing I hate the most about the gym is the mirrors, they are " EVERYWHERE " in my gym, you just can't hide from them no matter how hard you try . . . and trust me I tried.

I actually couldn't stand looking at myself, it knocked my confidence and I wanted to leave. Reaching up to get the lat pull down bar and seeing my little chubby belly creeping out from under my t-shirt, that combined with the unfamiliar bloke I was seeing in the mirror got me feeling pretty sad.

Even when I have a slow run or walk up my stairs to my home I'm getting out of breath and feel like I'm going to die.

It upsets me because I was such a fit lad when I was in the Army and I loved fitness and the thought that I have let myself go so much is soul destroying.

The thing is that I'm not that heavy, I'm 15st and I'm 5'9" so only really around three stone over weight.
" WOW " now that does seem a lot lol.

I started to feel uncomfortable in the gym clothes I was wearing as well as feeling fat. 

This is a battle I will be fighting each and every time I visit the gym, this won't beat me and I will achieve the body and fitness level I want by my next birthday.

With a deep breath I started training and despite it being a pretty hard workout I came away with jelly legs and a little smile on my face.

Looking at my little bit of chub and my wobble as I walked home I know that with a little bit of hard work, sweat and tears I will be FIT not FAT at 40.

I will be out there soon getting some decent gym clothing which will hopefully make me feel slightly better as I'm sure it would do for most of us, and push myself hard each training session.

How would I find a small company or clothing brand to maybe sponsor me?

Well peeps, until next time.

Wednesday, 7 November 2018

FIT not FAT at 40!!

" Oh Hell No "

So this time next year I will be turning 40 which is scary enough but to turn 40 and be a chubby butt  . . . that I can't handle.

Sitting here looking down at my " little love podge " feeling really sorry for myself I decided that I will give myself a year to get in the best shape I can. I used to be a healthy young man, being in the Army and working in the sports and leisure industry.

Now just the thought of the gym makes me feel anxious and sick lol, its been a while since I've even looked in the direction of one without getting side tracked by a nice cold pint of Stella.

Having Bipolar / Personality disorder makes it hard for me too visit the gym when its busy so I found a local 24 hr gym where I can train at 4am and get home before the rest of the world wakes up.

I'm not going on a mad diet nor am I going to cut out all the crap, I want to concentrate on my portion sizes and drink plenty of water.

I will be training three times a week... moods permitting!!, and I'll also be keeping a monthly log on here as well as pictures.
I would also like to show you what my training programme is like, what's working and what's not.

Please pray for me as this is going to be emotional lol.

Now I guess its time to get off my chunky butt and start training.  

Saturday, 3 November 2018

Self harm, attempted suicides and self hate.

So this is quite hard for me and I hate the fact that there are so many people going through this alone, I could never and still can't tell people that I want to hurt myself.

Most of the time I don't even know I'm going to do it!!! 

This might sound crazy to some people and it normally shocks me afterwards but I would like to tell you and get it out there.

I have been cutting myself on and off since I was in my late teens and it kind of  felt normal as I grew up seeing my mum do it. These bouts of cutting were never really too bad ... until I hit my twenties then I took it a step further.

After a night out with my closest friends I headed home and all of a sudden I had this crazy urge to hurt myself, I started to punch myself in the face ... I was hitting myself so hard I was seeing stars.
I walked home and screamed at my mum and little sister to leave me alone otherwise I would stab them. I was filled with this uncontrollable anger and I didn't know why, there was no warning signs or any problems earlier that evening.

I took all my mums medication in to my room and necked a massive cocktail of pills and washed it all down with a beer.

I remember laying on the bed after and thinking " this is actually it, I'm dying " and I was calm and actually at ease with this. I was actually ready to die. 

I woke up in hospital in absolute agony and more than any think I was gutted that I was alive. I was in hospital for over two weeks as I had acute pancreatitis. 

The doctors thought I have been attacked and were so shocked when I told them that I had battered myself.

I didn't get any help from the mental health team or anybody else once released from hospital and I would later go on to try and take my own life on two more occasions.

I can't really tell you how many times I have cut myself over the years but I have left myself with so many scars, I still do it to this day.

whenever I get stressed or have a bad anxiety attack  I generally tend to cut myself. . . It's a release for me. .

2009 just before my mum passed away I had another break down and had self harmed and was this time taken into a mental health hospital where I stayed for four months.

Now 2018 and having been diagnosed with Bipolar / Personality disorder am I only starting to get a little control. I know this is something I will always have to deal with but I know I am no longer alone.

One thing I really struggle with is the hate I have for myself, I hate the things I have done in the past, the people I have hurt and the people I have let down.
Could this be the reason why I hurt myself... is it to punish myself?.