Monday, 19 November 2018

The pain of losing my mum.


My mum... our fallen angel.




It's been nine years today and the pain is as fresh today as it was when I got the phone call to say that I needed to head to the hospital as mum was in a critical condition.

This was routine for us as she was in bad health, having had two heart attacks and attending hospital every two days for dialysis. My mum had renal failure due to the fact that she was an alcoholic for so many years and her kidneys just didn't want to play the game anymore.

I wasn't too worried to be honest because I had spoken to mum earlier that day as I did every day, she loved to have a moan!!!.

My son wanted to come and see his nan as they were really close, they would spend most weekends together.
We jumped into the car and headed straight for the hospital.

When we got to the dialysis ward I told the first nurse I met that I was here to see my mum or            " Mamma Sue" as they called her on the ward.

" Down the end with the curtains closed " I was told.

We walked down to the bed where mum was, pulled the curtain back and " BANG " my mum was laying on the bed dead. She still had the tubes in her mouth where they had tried to revive her.

The initial shock was incredible, I couldn't actually take in what I was seeing. I felt like I have been booted in the stomach and winded, I couldn't breath. I had spoken to my mum only a few hours before.

The heart breaking part is that my 12 year old son was standing beside me. I tried to grab my boy but he ran out of  the ward. Seeing that little boy crying his eyes out thumping the wall was soul destroying.

If I could take anything back it would be that moment he walked in to see his nan laying dead.

That should never have happened, there is no excuse for that what so ever.

I had called a few family members to let them know that mum had passed away, then I headed back in and gave my a kiss goodbye. It wasn't until I was leaving the ward that a doctor approached me and tried to call me into a room to give me the sad news..

I swear I wanted to fucking rip his head off!!

How on earth can they allow me to walk into the ward with my child and leave me to find my mum dead... how is that allowed.

Thinking about it now I still get so angry, it just shouldn't of happened that way... nothing prepared me for that.

As I have told you before, myself and mum had a very rocky relationship growing up. We had gone through so much due to her mental health and the addiction but the last few years when she was ill we had kind of fixed our relationship.

As annoying as mum could be with the constant phone calls and the moaning, I would give anything to have one more call from her.
She would call me and ask me to come for coffee (every day) and I'd tell her I was working or doing something, then I would get " But I got you cream cakes " lol. Mum defo knew my weak spot.

I miss her so much!!!.

I learnt that life is too short, we need to make the most of what and who we have in our lives.

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