Thursday, 20 December 2018

The broken woman, the protected and the victim... my story;

My earliest memories of my mum involved alcohol, she loved a drink and it was part of our daily lives growing up.

We would find bottles of vodka all over the house, hidden in the strangest places. 

My mum was a very happy drunk and I must admit that we did have some great times, but sadly the bad times out numbered the good.

My mum would drink to escape the demons from her past, which would then result in self  harm and attempted suicides. One day she would be on top of the world and the next she would be at rock bottom, and myself and sister would be there right beside her.

Do you think that life was supposed to be this way for my sister and I because my mum had gone through such a bad upbringing ?.
Christmas was always the worst for me as I knew exactly how it would turn out. We would be woken bright and early Christmas morning, music playing on the radio and food cooking in the oven. 
After dinner when the drinking got going the whole mood would change. Me and mum would end up fighting and screaming at each other, telling each other how much we hated one another and that Christmas was ruined bla bla bla.
This was the same routine every year.

It breaks my heart when I think back to how broken she was as a woman and mother.

Myself and my younger sister were used to the drinking and fighting that happened in our house as it was the norm for us. If my mum was fighting her boyfriend or neighbor she would be fighting me.
Numerous times mum would come home battered and bruised because one of her piss head friends would bash her up in a drunken state.

You would think that growing up in the environment that we had, the last thing we would do is turn to drink and drugs.

Well thankfully my sister grew into a beautiful young lady, staying well away from alcohol and those kind of people and circles. I can actually say that I've never seen her in a pub. 
Now happily married with a beautiful daughter of her own and a newly started family business, she is the complete opposite of me.

I tried my hardest to look out for my sister growing up, I was the one that had to protect her.
Once my mum and sisters dad... (also an alcoholic) had a fight and he tried to pull my sister away from my mum which resulted in my sister having a broken leg.

We spent nearly a year in hospital, my sisters legs strapped up... she was only 1 years old at the time. Mum had told the social services that I had dropped her and we would go over and over the same story for months.

I also remember my mum arguing with my sisters dad and she picked up the old house phone... big dialled one and smashed it in his face breaking his nose and a few teeth.

I however walked a different path... or maybe I was lead down that path.

I remember once when we had a load of people over the flat, music on and every one having a good old time getting drunk. Well my uncle thought it would be good to keep given me cups of  "Special Brew" that extra strong beer the old piss heads would drink on the street corners.
I was horrendously sick and they all still thought it was funny, laughing at me … an 8 year old child drunk as a skunk.

At the age of thirteen myself and small group of friends would regularly get adults to buy us litre bottles of cider and we would sit in the park or local common and get absolutely wasted, paralytic drunk. 
I have been brought home on more than two occasions by adults that had found me out cold on the floor. . . DRUNK.

I started drinking heavily once I left the Army and this affected every aspect of my life, I ended up in prison three times, lost friends and started using cocaine.  I hurt every one close to me, I had hit rock bottom, I would drink to run away from myself.

I had turned in to my mum!!.

As I have told you in my previous posts, my mental health plummeted and I started self harming, tried to kill myself on three occasions. I was in a very dark place, I had started hating myself and couldn't stand the life I was living . 

My mum spent 8 years on dialysis and passed away at the age of 57... I am still here fighting the demons she left for me!.

My sister in a way was lucky that she had me to protect her, I had nobody to protect me!!.

I sit here and wonder if I had had an older sibling to watch over me and protect me, would I have turned out this way?.

I believe that I am this way because of  "learnt behaviour ", I am a product of the environment I grew up in.

1 comment:

  1. This is heartbreaking to read, I'm so sorry that things turned out this way for you. I feel like when we're younger, we do look up to our parents, even if they do things 'wrong' as kids we're easily swayed. I hope you can fight your demons, you got this. I know it's a lot easier for me to say that to you than for you to get to the point where you're happy, but I am glad you have a blog where you can write about it. Blogging for me has been great for my mental health, it's so important to speak out. Take care of yourself.

    Chloe Chats x