Saturday, 13 April 2019

Final goodbye to my dog.

You came in to my life at just the right time because I was in a real dark place both physically and mentally... I had hit rock bottom again. 

I have always believed that your dog picks you and comes when you most need it. Winnie our paths were meant to cross and I'm so glad they did because you saved me!!!.

I remember driving to Portsmouth to get you and couldn't wait to give you a cuddle as I'd been waiting a while for this day to come.

You came everywhere with me, even at work from seven weeks old. It used to drive me mad when I would lay out my dust sheets preparing a room for painting and you would run around attacking them, if it wasn't that you would steal my paint brushes.

I miss the chip shop run and a cheeky pint in the pub on the way back home on a Friday night. All those times you would chase the birds on the football pitches and would refuse to come back... I could of killed you. Now the snoring, well I've never heard anything like it from a dog. You would wake me up every night and then I would try and get back to sleep before you started snoring again.

I would give anything to have just one more day with you.

I miss the car journeys we used to have, you loved the car so much, sitting with your head out the window soaking up the sun and fresh air.

We were a odd pair, me being a big bald tattooed builder and you a beautiful little ball of fluff.  We made it work though didn't we. Every person you met fell in love with you because you had such a beautiful little character.

You always knew when I was unwell and would never leave my side, it was because of you that I didn't kill myself, it was you that made me get up every morning when all I wanted to do was hide away from the world, and it was you that made me leave the house for walks.
You would nudge me constantly for cuddles, the look of pure contentment on your face once you were snuggled up next to me.
I couldn't even go to the toilet without you knocking the door to come in lol. I'm going to miss you so much Tubs.

You saved my life on more than one occasion and i'll never forget you, I'm sorry you had to leave so soon.

You truly did leave paw prints on the hearts of each and everyone of us... sleep tight little lady.

Monday, 1 April 2019

Life with Lee.: I'm in a dark place right now.

Life with Lee.: I'm in a dark place right now.: The past few days have been really tough, I can't concentrate on anything and my energy levels have plummeted. My dreams have been rea...

I'm in a dark place right now.

The past few days have been really tough, I can't concentrate on anything and my energy levels have plummeted.

My dreams have been really violent and scary again over the past week, why cant I have normal dreams?, why does it always have to be me hurting somebody or somebody stabbing or cutting me.
I always seem to be running away from something in my dreams and it makes me wonder what is bothering me in my waking life.

I don't want to eat and I still cant leave my flat, not even to get basic food essentials for myself. I just want to curl up in the corner and die.

I have so many things to look forward to this year and in theory I should be in a much better frame of mind...

 NO, my brain does not want to allow that. My brain wants to crash again, shutting out the rest of the world and torment me night and day.

It's crazy how you can have so much around you but still feel so alone... I'm fucking sick of it. I am still battling with these constant mood changes, always so erratic and powerful. when I get angry and lose my temper, I really lose my temper and hate everyone and everything with a passion. It takes me so long to calm down and let, I sit for days thinking the situations over and over in my head.

It's time like this that I want to say " fuck it " and hit the bottle, wash all my problems away.. . "deal with this shit the way you always have Lee". The little devil of my past creeps back up and sits on my shoulder egging me on.

I know that giving in and getting pissed whilst in this frame of mind will make me self harm and take my thoughts to an even darker place. People will never know how hard it is to keep fighting these moods, unless you have actually been here... it's soul destroying.