Monday, 1 April 2019

I'm in a dark place right now.

The past few days have been really tough, I can't concentrate on anything and my energy levels have plummeted.

My dreams have been really violent and scary again over the past week, why cant I have normal dreams?, why does it always have to be me hurting somebody or somebody stabbing or cutting me.
I always seem to be running away from something in my dreams and it makes me wonder what is bothering me in my waking life.

I don't want to eat and I still cant leave my flat, not even to get basic food essentials for myself. I just want to curl up in the corner and die.

I have so many things to look forward to this year and in theory I should be in a much better frame of mind...

 NO, my brain does not want to allow that. My brain wants to crash again, shutting out the rest of the world and torment me night and day.

It's crazy how you can have so much around you but still feel so alone... I'm fucking sick of it. I am still battling with these constant mood changes, always so erratic and powerful. when I get angry and lose my temper, I really lose my temper and hate everyone and everything with a passion. It takes me so long to calm down and let, I sit for days thinking the situations over and over in my head.

It's time like this that I want to say " fuck it " and hit the bottle, wash all my problems away.. . "deal with this shit the way you always have Lee". The little devil of my past creeps back up and sits on my shoulder egging me on.

I know that giving in and getting pissed whilst in this frame of mind will make me self harm and take my thoughts to an even darker place. People will never know how hard it is to keep fighting these moods, unless you have actually been here... it's soul destroying.


2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're having such a horrible time of it right now. It does get better, I promise. Have you considered seeing your GP?
    Wishing you all the best and I hope things get better soon 💕

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  2. I'm sorry you're in this place right now. I don't what I can say to make this better, because things like 'be positive' are so mundane and BS when you're feeling like this.

    I will just offer you a virtual hug and an inbox on twitter should you ever need it. x

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